Malachi James
April 15
On 4/12 I was due with our first baby. Of course, we didn’t plan to have had the baby at that time because it is our first - so it had been suggested to us that we make a plan for a “due date – date” to celebrate that day regardless. Jess and I started the day at church with worship which was just the best reminder of the Lord’s timing and goodness. Then we went to Anna’s House for brunch and I got pancakes and hashbrown casserole. I took a quick nap and Morgan Barnett stopped in on her road trip home. It was a great catch up and we walked in the woods and enjoyed each other. That night was pretty much same as usual.
4/13
I woke up at 0430 with heavier cramps than I had yet had and wasn’t able to go back to sleep so got up at 0500 before my 0515 alarm. I was scheduled to be in GR with Mahdi for an ex-lap, and debated should I go or not, but thought, “This probably isn’t labor and if it happens to become labor, it’ll be a long latent labor and Brooke said to try and go about business as usual as long as possible.” I cramped and had Braxton hicks while getting ready, and woke jess up to say goodbye like normal. “I’m cramping more than usual this morning, so pray they either stop or that I know….” Jess prayed over us ***.
I kept cramping/Braxton hicks-ing all the way to GR, but just kept going. All the techs were like, “how soon are you due?!” “Yesterday, lol!” “Wow, how are you still working??” Once in surgery, I got lost in that world, as I normally do especially an ex-lap. It was a really tough case because she had recurrent mets to her spleen and liver and we had to work near the diaphragm. It was a really good case though! By 1100 I had to step out for water and a snack though, mostly because I felt tired and faint, not because I was feeling contractions. I came back to finish the case which finished around 1300. I was really feeling them at that point. Not like full blown contractions, because I was still unsure that’s where this was going. But I went ahead and texted Brooke, “feeling crampy today :/” “still going about business as usual?” “Yep, just finished a 4.5-hour case and am headed to the office.” “Wow, you’re amazing! How do you feel about all that time on your feet?” “I really want to take a bath.”
I stopped by Global Infusion for a Mushroom Mocha Tea Latte, but had to sway a little with the cramps in the line. On the way to the office with Brazda, I noted that the “cramps” were regular, every 10 or so minutes. When I got there, I had lunch and peed, with a little bloody show. Brazda offered to check me before the end of the day, but I decided the information wouldn’t serve me, so declined. The midwives needed my type and screen because we couldn’t find one in the system. I tried to get it done at NOCH but the lab wouldn’t come through so after a few uncomfortable moments of waiting, I left. I called jess and immediately started crying at hearing his voice. “Are you upset because of the lab?” “No, I’ve been contracting all day and I think I’m going into labor, and that means I can’t take boards, and I think I just need to cry and release that because this wasn’t our plan.” “It is our plan. We’re going to have a baby.” Probably something else *** and then he told me to go by the other lab if I felt like I could and if it hadn’t come through there, then forget it and go home.
I was able to get that lab but was definitely contracting. The tech asked if I was ok, “I’m just contracting.” “I thought so, but you’re so calm; is this your first?” “yes” “wow, well you are going to rock it.”
I got home and pretty much got straight into the bath. I talked to Cass who had no idea I was breathing through contractions, lol. Jess got home, I think I cried some more ***, noting my contractions were more like 5-7 minutes apart and again, he reassured me, “Yes, this is our plan. We’re having our baby! This is good. This is right.” A mantra he would frequently speak over me in the hours to come :D.
We got out and kept trying to do the night as usual, but with a focused preparation for things getting going. Jess took the trash down to the road, put out my birth affirmations, hung up the twinkle lights in the office, set up the birth pool, put on his blue shirt and pink pants, ***. I started a crockpot hashbrown casserole, emptied the dishwasher, vacuumed, tidied, put on the labor oil in the diffuser, made the labor-ade, ***. I tried to eat some ramen in bone broth but didn’t have the appetite. The birth playlist was playing. I lit some candles and then blew some out. I was squatting from the kitchen sink, kneeling in front of the rocker.
But it wasn’t too long until I felt like I needed him for every contraction. I wondered when would be too soon to call for Brooke. But then I felt that needed that female companionship like she said would likely be the signal it was time for her to come. Jess texted her I was ready for her. Sometime after she got there, I wanted to hear baby and Brooke listened with a doppler and baby sounded fine so I was comforted.
//why was it so hard so fast??//
I felt like I was in the zone though with Jess and my contractions. I was able to do my breathing. I was on the ball and he was on the rocker. I was in my red nightgown. Jess had some berries and cuties next to me on the coffee table with my labor-ade. I cried some more because I was still realizing that I was in labor. I was getting nauseated and needed the emesis bag nearby. The night passed with gentle support. Hands and knees over the ball felt good and I could rock with the contraction, the rhythm helpful in riding the wave. Eventually I felt I wanted to get into the water. Jess filled the birth pool for me and I got in. The water felt very good and I was able to eat some more fruit. I checked myself and found I was 1cm/70-80%. I was surprised and maybe slightly disappointed at that point, but not too much. I was glad I had thinned out and thought, “Often primips will thin first, then dilate, so that is not too surprising. Maybe I’ll just thin out all the way and then go from 1 to 10 super fast. I have seen it before with other primips.” I told Brooke and Jess and they suggested we try to lie down and get some rest. So, I got out of the pool and into the guest bed with Jess. I wasn’t able to sleep but I was able to lie there ***. I became more comfortable kneeling on the side of the bed. Jess sat beside me and bore me through those contractions. My hands were still open, my breath carrying me through. I was tired but not overwhelmed. I got back in the pool and checked again and hadn’t made much change. Brooke made some essential oil blend (“Surrender” by YL) of cold water for washcloths on the back of my neck that felt really nice. Some contractions actually felt good and I could smile a little with them. Not sure what made those different.
As a new day dawned, I got out of the pool and brushed my teeth. At this point I had been awake for over 24 hours and hadn’t really eaten much but wanted to keep going. Brooke suggested we try breakfast and maybe a walk outside. I got dressed in Jess’ sweatpants and Pop’s flannel (fitting now that we know it’s Malachi James ☺) I couldn’t eat the hashbrown casserole; I really couldn’t even sit down on the bench and hopped up right away.
I went outside barefoot, as Brooke also suggested this being very grounding. The pavement was wet and cold. It was indeed very grounding but too cold, so I got my sandals and added a layer of Jess’ vest. The air was wonderful though. I felt it’s renewal and strengthening. I was partly down I hadn’t had a baby yet, but I had wanted to walk in the woods during labor and hadn’t been able to do so the night before, so was the other part glad to have the chance to do so then.
We went on our loop, with Jess holding my hand, leading me at some points, step in step at others. Contractions started to pick up again in frequency and intensity. I would look at a patch of lichen or group of leaves on the trees during those waves and breathe my breaths. It was really helpful and really grounding. I got to the point where I couldn’t walk through them anymore and had to stop and lean on Jess. His gaze met mine and I could do it. There was so much in those eyes – I felt his strength and love and encouragement. He had all the reassurance I needed. I saw his confidence in me and really felt empowered by his support.
After some time, we came back inside and Brooke prescribed side stair walking and I went up and down a few times, stopping for contractions. “Sink into it”. I remember her saying a lot. Jess stepped aside for a moment and Brooke helped me on the stairs, but she’s so little I didn’t feel I could fully lean on her lol. Then she recommended the ball in front of the window, but quickly amended that we could take the ball outside. Jess blew off the back porch – “Is he using power tools?” and set up the black blanket. We took the pouf and ball out and again, the outdoors was life giving to my process. Jess helped me with the rebozo, which was an intensifying goodness, hard to explain. Like maybe it was helping progress but increasing the intensity. Looking at the pictures from this time, I look way more exhausted than I remember feeling. I was still very sustained.
I moved down into mostly hands and knees again, now with adding squats and side lunges. Jess had his coffee in the Smokey the Bear mug :D I found myself watching Jess’ watch. I really had in my mind that Morah would be born around noon like the Psalm 37 song that was in our playlist. I tried not to put that pressure on and stop looking at the watch. I heard snippets of Brooke and Jess exchanging assessments and sending updates to the team. I felt I was appearing to be getting close, but self-conscious that I was sending the wrong signals.
//did I know I wasn’t really there? Not really. I also didn’t have the confidence in my body as I wish I could speak to. I’m honestly not super surprised at this. I wish I could be one of those wild women that just fiercely defend their own body’s abilities to the world, and themselves. I supposed I don’t really know how much others feel that in their bodies even despite the defense to the world. I just hope that next time I will have grown into that confidence even more.//
Then I needed my pants off. And then my underwear. Again, this signaled to Brooke that things were happening.
//with regards to the above musings, I didn’t think about that need to be bare. I just needed to be. So, I guess it was just my body and I was listening the best I could.//
Contractions were very close though I will still say I didn’t feel consumed. Maggie the midwife arrived and set up outside. I hadn’t fully decided on an outdoor birth. I had thought I wanted to be in the water, but I didn’t want to go inside at this point, so I was game for them coming. The blanket was pretty sandy and covered in those little black bugs that we get every spring. I was a little nervous to get sand in my vagina, but kind of got over that. I figured I could birth another baby in the water, but unlikely to be able to birth outside in Eswatini, at least certainly not while we lived on TLC campus.
Maggie listened to baby who sounded good after my contraction. Jenn showed up a bit after. I remember really thinking, “don’t let their arrival slow things down.” As this is a normal part of having them get there per common experience. I just tried to keep flowing. I had grabbed the birth affirmation card, “Being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy” (Col 1:11). I had been thinking “all power?? That is a lot of power. No wonder this is so intense.” Now and at other earlier points in my labor, like during our walking in the woods, I was overcome with Holy Spirit and broke into tears and worship. It was wonderful to be close to Jesus in those moments. He was as close to me as I’d hoped and prayed for. I can only hope that with every baby I can be closer to Him.
Again, Brooke brought out the cold oiled cloths. They kept shifting our set up toward the shade. It did cross my mind that I was going to burn and maybe should take some heliocare. I thought I told Jess to remind me to take it that night. I still just wanted to be outside though. The sand under the blanket felt so good on my knees which still were red, red, red at that point. It was nice to be close to the earth. They got blue pads under me and had to weight them down with rocks from our border.
I felt like I needed to push. Maggie checked me from behind while I was in hands and knees and thought I was complete. I pushed on my knees some and then got on the birth stool. Jess sat behind me on the pouf and held me close. After some pushes Maggie checked me again and said there was actually a little bit of cervix left, so we stopped pushing. I wanted to change spaces, likely as a result of the change of energy of not pushing anymore. We went inside. I was still feeling the intensity of needing to push but not that my body was overwhelming me to do it without me urging. I had in my head I was Ant Lip, so it wouldn’t be long. Jess got me back to the bedroom.
The next few hours were long and a blur to me. The intensity got much harder to bear. I was back in the water at some point, checking myself only to realize I was an 8, then maybe just a 7. I became discouraged at this and honestly, doubted my team a little. We were in the bedroom and did “rotisserie” which we may have done earlier in the day, along with side lying release and side stair walking again. It was all really hard. Jenn gave me the words at her postpartum visit for partly why, “You were working against your body at that point.” I had been feeling like pushing since, from her assessment, I was a 6 cm that could stretch to an 8, at the time we came inside. I told her at that PP visit how incredibly difficult it was because I did all the preparation to work with my body and hadn’t considered I’d have to work against it. I still don’t understand, and never will, why that happened and what I could have done to prepare or be with it differently. Maybe nothing. The team reminded me that transfer was an option if that was what I needed at some point. I didn’t want to, and neither did they, but it was out there as an option. I did mention it to Jess and Brooke at some point and both of them encouraged me that was not what I wanted and could keep going here at home.
Brooke coached me as best as possible to soften with the contractions. She wrote a post about it that I’ll copy to the bottom here with my postpartum reflections on that.
The night continued and I tried to rest with melatonin and herbs but couldn’t. At some point Brooke said she had thought three times (and was taught, if you think it three times, to bring it up) that maybe I needed to call my mom. Jess and I were not ready for that then. Jess and I got into the shower together with nipple stimulation and thought releasing. It was then I asked why we were doing this, why I couldn’t have a C section. Jess reminded me why. Over and over through labor he would tell me, “You can do this. Your body was made for this,” and look at me with that reassurance and confidence that, especially at that point, I didn’t have for myself. He is my greatest champion.
The beautiful spring day had turned stormy, to the extent of a lightning storm and tornado watch.
Then I decided I should try Tylenol, Reglan and Benadryl to get rest, and that we’d go up to our bed together. I did finally feel some rest in between but after about thirty minutes the intensity of the contractions was too much to bear in the bed anymore. Anywhere anymore. I begged jess to go to the hospital. Pleaded. I was done. So much so that I couldn’t even grieve the loss of my desire. I didn’t want to go but I couldn’t stay anymore. I needed to be done. Jess agreed and I am thankful he did because I was starting to feel trapped. I know it pained him that we were at this point but I just couldn’t. He started gathering things for us; I hadn’t packed or prepared for transfer because I didn’t want to have a contingency. Jess was overwhelmed and the team tried to help him gather what we needed but he didn’t know where the baby stuff was, we didn’t have the car seat out of the box even.
I made it to the hallway along the banister upstairs and asked that they check me one more time. I at least knew I would have regretted that if we’d gotten to the hospital and I had progressed without knowing if that was where we’d left the house. Jenn checked me and said there was significant change – I was 9.5 by her description with a low head, but that she’d never felt a cervix dilate this way, in that it was completely gone on the left but there on the right. She offered we could break my water, as a bag was now bulging, and see if that released enough prostaglandins to progress. Jess asked for the pros and cons and I voiced would the baby be able to rotate as easily without the bag. Jenn thought that there were mostly pros and that there would still be opportunity for rotation as easily as otherwise given how low the babe was.
“Yes, let’s do it.” Jess said, “Ok unto what – how long are we going to give it?” We determined we’d break the water and give it an hour. “And I’m calling my mom. I just want to try everything, so we know we did everything.” Jess agreed to call her, but just to update her. We did and said we’d be going to the hospital after if nothing happened.
//I still regret that phone call – I am hoping to come to a place of peace. Jess has said in our processing after that it was significant to us that conversations still needed to happen, healing needs to unfold still. In that moment I really did just want to try everything, but it wasn’t our plan and later caused turmoil//
Brooke prayed over the releasing of the membranes. Jenn broke my water and there was meconium. That made me nervous but they reminded me his heart tones had been reassuring all day.
Something shifted then. I had been encouraged to “chase intensity” all night, find the position of discomfort and stay there, not pull back from the pain. But I felt then the right place for me was to just be how my body could be. Just ride with it, maybe not even work with it anymore. Just let it be.
Still in that upstairs hallway, my attention was fixed on the wet windows at the top of the stairs, shining from the flood light on the garage. Water has always been a balm to me, and this was no exception. We did some contractions there, then moved back downstairs. I think we did the softness coaching again through the rotisserie and side lying. After that Brooke recommended I walk the stairs and to the kitchen and back. I told Jess to stay in the bed to rest and I’d go with Brooke. It was slow. But again, this hour felt different. At the top of the stairs, I told Brooke what I’d told Jesus sometime in the minutes before, “These are my two coins. I don’t have anything else to give you, Lord, to give to this endeavor. I am done, empty, without more. I can’t do it, my body can’t do it, but I want to have this baby at home. Please, but not my will, yours be done. I’ve tried and I can’t, but you can, please.”
On the way back from the kitchen, Maggie suggested I empty my bladder and that then, since it had been an hour, we should talk about next steps. On the toilet, I felt like I had to push. I told Brooke who was still with me and that I was scared because I felt my body was pushing without me, stronger than before. She reassured me my body won’t hurt itself and it was ok.
//so different from my world. At another time I will need to process this in light of that. How to assimilate this experience with my training.//
Brooke asked what I was thinking about next steps, because she thought I seemed to be coping better at this point. I didn’t know and asked God, because I agreed, I did feel I was coping and maybe I could keep going. I heard the Lord speak, “5 more contractions” I don’t think there was a follow up to what was after but I clearly heard the “5 more”. Maggie wanted to get my vitals and by the time she had done so, it took the 5 contractions. On that 5th contraction, my body moved my baby and I could not resist the pushing.
“Something is coming! I need to be checked!” “Something?” Brooke questioned. “I don’t know, poop maybe!”
//it’s so funny because I have heard others say something like that in labor, but what else would it be other than my baby!? I think I was just hesitant to hope.//
Jen jumped up off the couch, and Jess rushed in beside me. I pivoted to the floor in the hallway by the bathroom and the check confirmed I could push. It started to hit me that I had done it, was doing it, was going to have my baby at home. They told me I could get in any position and wanted to be on the stool again so they could “protect the perineum”. I started pushing and they said I was a great pusher. I could feel the baby moving down. What a wild sensation. And a new intensity. They said I could change position any time and guess what? I went to hands and knees lol. They covered the pouf and the floor with protection. I pushed when I felt I had to. Some of the contractions I didn’t feel like pushing so just let my body do the work. They moved down pretty quickly and was crowning soon! Jess was embracing me over my shoulders and whispering encouragement. I wanted them to stretch things out so I really tried to breathe with it as much as possible. It was intense but I don’t remember it being as intense as contractions to be honest. I think Jenn told me I was at the ring of fire – but it really didn’t last long. Then his head was out! I told Jess to look and at first, he said that’s ok, but I told him to look again and he saw our baby’s head! He came back to me and was so excited and emotional! The baby had their hand next to their face, which I think they mentioned could have had something to do with how labor had progressed. The next contraction I pushed out the body, which was a very odd sensation compared to the head!
And they were here! Three thirty-five am. Jen passed the baby under my legs and I picked them up. “It’s Malachi! He looks just like Jess!”. I was ecstatic. I thought I would be crying and even in the moment, I was like this is weird that I’m not! But I was so thrilled, “I did it! I had my baby at home!”. Jess cried enough for the two of us. I held him to me, Jess holding on as well. I turned around and birthed the placenta. Brooke gave me a drink with some blood stopping agents in apricot juice. Jenn wanted me to get a shot of Pitocin too. Jenn checked and I only had labial tears! (yay for prenatal perineal massage!) The team got me up and into bed and got Malachi on the breast. He kind of did the breast crawl, but I was so exhausted, I could barely keep my eyes open. I did fall asleep and Jess and the team got him latched on.
I woke to the team doing his examination. Brooke brought me some orange juice with collagen; I didn’t have the appetite for the casserole yet but was soooo thirsty! Jess weighed him – 6 pounds 7 ounces! Eighteen and a half inches. All the expected reflexes (Babinski!). The team got him all tucked in bed with us and cleaned up and left around 6. We slept and woke up later and we still had a baby!
We chose to be the three of us for the first 15 days – a lying-in period. In that time, we rested, ate good food from our freezer and meal train, learned the first little pieces of our sweet son and how to care for him. (Breastfeeding was a trip, still is.) We are processing all that the birth was – physically, emotionally, spiritually. The worship of labor has blossomed into our lives as a family of three. We’ve turned to the Lord so readily in these first days and He is teaching us to cast all our cares and anxieties, present all our requests to Him, big and small. And He has been faithful to answer our prayers and encourage our hearts. I could not have delivered our son. I was empty and finished. Yet He was so gracious to carry out the work He began in us. He sustained Jess through it so he could be my perfect partner – something that has been made sweeter every day since Malachi was born. I am blessed beyond deserving. Thank you, Lord! May we continue stepping into this amazing blessed life He has given and called us to.